The Case of the Misplaced Priorities
From deep within the money-soaked womb of Ortho-McNeil, the brainchild was born: “Forget finding cures for cancer, AIDs, the common cold, annoying relatives. What we really need is chewable birth control.”
The mind boggles.
Now, I am all for anything that promotes a woman’s right to choose, and I think “the pill” is the greatest improver of the quality of women’s lives since the jogbra. But tell me: Just what, exactly, is the point of chewable birth control?
I’ve been trying to solve this mystery since I read the news release. Alas, most online articles touting this wholly superflous invention give no better explanation than this one, which rationalizes lamely:
“Research has shown that compliance still impacts oral contraceptive failure rates, and anything we can do to make it easier for our patients to maintain a daily regimen is a notable advancement.”
Boggle boggle boggle.
So do they mean to say: “research” has proven that the act of chewing improves memory? That women who tend to forget regular round pills will remember those shaped like pink and yellow animals?
Well, whatever the reason is, I hope - no, I get on my knees and pray, bargain, make unreasonable promises to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, that it is NOT this one:
“Mommy was always trying to get me to take these swallow pills,” said Tamra Wilcox, the blossoming nine-year-old daughter of Pensicola, Flor., pro-choicers Daniel and Rita Wilcox. “This new pill I eat with my Flintstones; it’s fun and tastes good and mommy says it will keep me from growing up too fast.”
On the other hand…maybe Ortho-McNeil and Tesco, makers of the toy stripper pole, could join forces and offer a combo deal?
Technorati Tags: cancer, AIDs, the common cold, annoying relatives, chewable birth control, Flintstones, Tesco, Ortho-McNeil
5 Responses to “The Case of the Misplaced Priorities”
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WTF??? Please tell me they\’re not marketing birth control pills to little girls! What next, Viagra for the peewee football team? Why not, the cheerleaders are all on the Pill!
You are so funny Rachel. I hope you know the stripper pole is not a toy someone accidentally posted it in the toy category because the packaging looked so juvenile. I think the chew able calcium is nasty so I can only imagine what the pill would taste like. What will they call it? Will it also prevent you from blowing bubbles with it? Or when you do blow bubble will then end up looking like little condoms. Will it be instant birth control? Then you have to suspicious of every guy who offers you a piece of gum. Inquiring minds need to know.
Earthgirl, you can rest easy; that article is a fake - it’s on a satirical site called recoilmag.com… but it was so funny I just had to use it. And besides you know that “grain of truth” thing…
Deby, the makers of the stripper pole *claim* it was not a toy; but if you look carefully at the packaging, it’s obviously aimed at young people. I don’t believe for a second that it got “accidentally” put on the toy shelf. And hey - birth control that chews like gum and turns into a condom? Awesome! You need to patent that idea quick!
That article was a joke, but the product is not. It’s spearmint flavored, so I don’t know how appealing it is to young, young girls — for that you need bubblegum flavor or strawberry, or…..fruity flavor.
I do take exception to ranking all birth control pills just below or even just above the jogbra, though. That one doesn’t even appear on the horizon. It’s more like “invention is the mother of necessity.”
Birth control pills were/are freedom from biological destiny. I’d rank them above beer in cans. Above sliced bread. Above air conditioning and central heat. Maybe even above indoor plumbing.
Jo, yes, I should have clarified that the chewable birth control pill is itself QUITE real, even if the second article I quoted is fake. I might have to disagree with you, though, about the relative insignificance of the jogbra… Remember the days of two jock straps stuck together? Yikes!