The Rev. Jerry Falwell died today. He was 73. (That’s 16 in cat years. Just FYI.)

We say goodbye to the man who founded the Moral Majority in 1979, heralding the rise of Christian conservatism in the United States which has since lead the crusade against the evils of gays, feminists, Jews, and Teletubbies.

Who will protect us now?

Who’s going to shelter us from the terrible pussy cyclone — those out-of-control feminists with their OTC birth control, abortion, and butch haircuts?

Who will keep the homos from ruining the country with their gay marriage, AIDs activism, and fabulous home decor?

Who will help us make sense of catastrophe and sorrow, now that the man who blamed feminists, gays and liberals for bringing on the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks is gone?

Who will represent for our kids as well as Falwell, who set the bar pretty high when he accused a make-believe entity, the Teletubby Tinky Winky, of being gay?

Who will try to reign in that insidious “free speech” business like Falwell, who in 1984 sued Hustler magazine for a factually accurate article parody that said he lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse?

Last but not least, who will save our eternal souls from the Antichrist, whom Falwell identified in 1999 as a male Jew who was already alive somewhere, drinking the blood of sacrificial Telletubbies?

So farewell, Falwell. We’ll try to survive Armegeddon without you.
[tags]Jerry Falwell, religious right, Moral Majority, homophobia, gynophobia[/tags]