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Who’s afraid of the big bad pussy? Part 1: Purity Police
August 22nd, 2007
Once upon a time, back when I was young and brave, I lived in Utah. Not on purpose - I had to move there for a job. As you would expect, I worked with many people of the Mormon persuasion, and I’m happy to say that for the most part it was like working with any other folks in any other state.
Normally for Mormons, consorting with heathens in their leisure time results in plagues of locusts and eternal damnation. Luckily a convenient Revelation makes the workplace the exception to the locust/damnation rule, and Mormons may share cube space with the rest of us without jeopardizing their claim on the planet they get to rule when they die.
Thus my office was completely locust-free and we all worked hard to keep it that way. Mormons and heathens alike respected the tidy separation of church and state; we had a superficially pleasant rapport that suited us just fine. No matter how different we may have been in our private lives about religion, politics, or fashion sense, the workplace was Switzerland.
A few times, though, I found myself straying across the border into distinctly non-neutral territory.
In one such instance, a coworker with whom I had become office-chummy brought in a photo, announcing proudly as she handed it to me that it was of her daughter.
The photo showed a young girl standing on a platform in a white wedding dress two sizes too big. She smiled a mouthful of braces into the camera.
I stared at the picture, nonplussed. When my coworker had said it was of her daughter, I expected to see a typical high school head shot or maybe an awkward but sweet nuclear family photo. So an amateur studio portrait of a little girl posing in a used wedding dress kinda caught me off guard.
“She’s how old?” I finally managed.
“Fourteen,” said my friend. Lest I start looking for the shotgun somewhere in the photo, she hurried to explain, “This was taken as part of a church exercise. It’s a retreat that teaches young girls that there is value in chastity. That purity can be fun and glamorous.”
After a few moments, the painful clanging noises in my brain subsided. I handed the photo back to her and said, “I assume you have a similar picture of your son?”
And then the locusts came.
The religious notion of “purity” being crucial to a woman’s worthiness yet insignificant to a man’s is old news, but it’s still weird to me when I encounter it on the fringes of my life.
It’s like being at a stranger’s house looking for the bathroom and stumbling instead upon a dark, stinky closet that hasn’t been opened for a hundred years. I’m glad it’s not in my house, but I still worry that there’s something contagious breeding in there that can sneak out and infect everyone.
Well, get out your HazMat suits, ladies and gents, because full coverage is always in style at Pure Fashion, a faith-based “program” (shudder) for nubile young devotees of the new modesty movement.
Our goal is to show the public that it is possible to be stylish, cute, and MODEST! All styles should flatter your figure, but not draw extreme attention to any certain area.
I’m not even going to get into the bewildering double-message here: I’m supposed to dress to flatter my figure — but not draw attention to it. My ass needs to look good — but not TOO good. Is there a whore-o-meter somewhere I can use? Don’t they have those at Wal-Mart?
As Pure Fashion models…we believe we can be pretty without being provocative.
Ah. So it’s really all about making sure you are pleasing to the male gaze yet not so much that you provoke the uncontrollable lust that turns Pious Pete into Lecherous Larry, thereby dragging him kicking and screaming away from his God.
But Pure Fashion says it’s not about protecting men from their Neanderthal selves, silly, it’s about preserving girls’ hymen “innocence.”
We understand that many young women today are losing their sense of innocence at a very young age, and Pure Fashion aims to reverse this trend…
Purity people, prepare to be hoist by your own petard. I’m pretty sure that teaching young girls that they’d better hide their bodies lest they inflame the gonads of the rapist next door does more damage to their innocence than any pair of stillettos.
In any case, I am going to write to the Pure Fashion people and express my heartfelt concern about the innocence of our young men, and charge them with creating a similar “program” to protect their virtue.
I’m thinking a sort of “Pure Eye for the Christian Guy,” where good boys could learn that hiding that bulbous package within the voluminous folds of a Burqa for Men by Dockers is fun, glamorous, and required if they want to get into heaven.
I’m sure they’ll get right on that.
Coming soon: Who’s afraid of the big bad pussy? Part 2: Spank me!
Technorati Tags: religion, gynophobia, fashion, modesty
Filed under Gynophobia, Religious Batshit |12 Responses to “Who’s afraid of the big bad pussy? Part 1: Purity Police”
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I am laughing and crying simultaneously at the imagery.
A whore-o-meter? I think they sell those rights next to the Spider-man shirts and Butch-O-Meters.
I am, by the way, about at 2.7 on the whore-o-meter. I have friends that are in the high 8s, but I am not a achiever in that respect.
What’s your whore-o-meter pegged at?
I’m dying here! You are a genius! I can’t wait for part 2
Oh, hey, are you going to respond to my email about the concert??? Don’t make me come over there…:-)
In the same line of misogynous creepiness, in the south, they have Daddy/Daughter dances where girls pledge their hymens/”purity” to their fathers. It really is a psuedo NAMBLA phenomena. For example, check out: http://www.goodfellow.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123058330
And I quote:
The daddies and daughters ended the evening with a slow dance, which Sergeant Martinez described as “emotional.”
um, ew…
It is Moi, your old e-buddy from The Firmlist days, and Moi just discovered your blog a couple o’ days ago via Pure Chance.
This is, to steal a quote from you from the days of yore, tres` fabu writing. Whoreometer? Cackle, cackle, cackle. I will immediately send a link to everyone I know..
Oh, and how’re thangs hanging these days?
That is insanity … totally non sequitor. I mean your post title is “Who’s afraid of the big bad pussy?”, Dane Cook, the comic, has a joke that goes like this:
“I want a dozen kids, I want my wife’s vagina to be so open, that it will be like Stargate. *Shoooooooom* kid walks out, ties their own umbilical cord, “Later! I’m going to school!”
^_^
I laughed my ass while reading this. “And then the locusts came…” I guess they don’t have to worry about their sons because all the girls are pure and chaste and have pledged their virginity to their fathers or whatever.
I checked the Pure Fashion website and I have to admit, some of the clothes are really cute. The Model Training Program sounds like a fricking charm school, though, and I thought those went out decades ago.
Sometimes I am just amazed that there is such discrimination and ignorance when it comes to women and sexuality. It’s the 21st century!
Another good one, Rachel. I’ll never understand how people can embrace such an obvious double standard. Their poor daughters. Wonder what happens if daughter falls short of these lofty goals? By the way, I want a whore-o-meter. And purity can be fun and glamorous? I’ll remember that the next time I spend another Saturday night alone!
The imagery in this post has me so aroused. Oh, you mean it wasn’t supposed to do that?
[…] Who’s afraid of the big bad pussy? Part 1 and Part 2 […]
Oh, come on. It’s not such a bad thing to teach girls that they can be fashionable and pretty without dressing like hookers. I find mid-drift baring tops marketed to little girls much more disturbing. This movement of encouraging modesty seems very promising to me.
Oh my gosh Rachel that was the best!!! I love the pure eye for the christian guy!