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Guest Blog: Smokey the Muffin
September 15th, 2007
When I was a little kid, my favorite show on TV was Emergency 51. It had these two firemen who ran around in a little firetruck and did paramedic good deeds every week. These guys would get on the radio and talk to Rampart Hospital and save lives.
Those guys should have been at our house today to treat us for smoke inhalation.
So it’s Saturday - our typical chore day. I’m planning on grocery shopping and my beloved will go out for a few hours before she starts doing the laundry. But first we need to eat breakfast. Since I want to get an early start, my beloved says she will cook eggs and english muffins while I get ready.
I’m in the shower when I start to smell it. Smoke. Then the upstairs smoke detector starts to howl. Not too unusual when my sweetie practices the domestic arts, but enough to get me to turn off the water and grab a towel.
Then the downstairs detectors start going off, one after the other. Then the house security alarm starts up, all in the time it takes to wrap a towel around me. I open the door and the smoke billows in. A whole goddamn bunch of smoke. The fucking house must be on fire!
I peer down the stairs and I can barely make out my love standing down in the grey hazy smoke.
“I burned your muffin.”
Well, we rush around pushing the cutoffs for the smoke detectors (we have smoke detectors with shut-offs, see paragraph three, line four). We yell at each other. My cranky beloved has a bellyfull of my pissiness and vacates the disaster area while I open the windows and get all the fans going. Then I find the muffin.
It wasn’t in the toaster. It was in the microwave. I open the door and a cloud of smoke puffs out, which is a pretty neat trick considering the air outside the microwave is also 99% smoke. A sour, stinky, grey smoke that comes from food burned to cinders.
The glass tray inside the microwave has a black slick of melted muffin on it. How hot does a muffin have to be before it melts? Jeezus!
That’s when I see the timer on the microwave. The poor fucker still had another 10 blistering minutes to go when my love popped the door open and released the fumes.
Filed under Domestic Goddess, Kevinsylvania |6 Responses to “Guest Blog: Smokey the Muffin”
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I think this qualifies as muffin abuse. Somebody call the Prevention Of Muffin Abuse Society!
You should ask about the time she and her brother decided to make fudge in our microwave. Using cocoa, butter, and sugar in the Revereware saucepan…….
The photo really doesn’t do my artistry justice. The muffin is HOLLOW, all of its insides having been melted and leaked onto the glass plate.
Yes, I remember that fudge. But I remember the burn I got from the pan a lot more…
Not everyone can be pretty AND domestic.
Which clearly explains my existence, eh Amaya?
Hmmm, that muffin looks like a potato I cooked in the microwave one time. And I know how to cook! Therefore, your muffin must have burned because of a defective microwave. No two ways about it. Not your fault. The microwave.