The wind beneath our wings

Rejoice, Rib readers - it’s Banned Books Week! This is a favorite time of the year for me, behind Christmas and National Jelly Bean Day.  Banned Books Week is an annual reminder of the great debt we as a society owe to the many god-fearing asshats in this country.

You see, there are still many American subcultures that enact a traditional religious coming-of-age initiation ritual. This ritual involves the full moon, various barnyard animals and the now-patented TSTL Pill (the recipe for which was inscribed by the angel Moron on some stone tablets, buried in Wyoming by his lackey, and found a few years later by a prophet who could only read them when he was alone. All alone.).

The popularity of this ritual (or its barnyard animals) has stood the test of time, and Banned Books Week is an important part of it’s legacy. It celebrates one of the ritual’s primary effects: near-total amnesia of childhood, and thus the loss of its two most significant lessons:

1. if you don’t get caught, it’s all good, and
2. if they don’t want you to read/see/wear/eat it, it must be totally awesome and it is imperative that you find a way to read/see/wear/eat it immediately.

Thus you can see how attempted censorship has done more over the years for homosexuality, violence, offensive language, alternative religious and political viewpoints, explicit sex, and animal husbandry than any single author could have, even with every penny of Rush Limbaugh’s drug fund.

So this week, remember to give thanks for the brave souls who have managed to make two doughnut-punching penguins and their love child one of the most popular children’s books in America for three years in a row!  You make us proud.

Technorati Tags: Banned Books Week, censorship

illogical, unnecessary, and evil… and totally hot

As Rib Readers know, I’m a collector of creative rationalizations for sexism. My faves are those based on masturbatory Victorian-style logic, arguments blissfully blind to their own gaping holes.

Asshat Kanazawa really rubs one out in the most recent post from his oxymoronic “Scientific Fundamentalist” blog.  You can actually smell the sweat forming on his brow as he beats his facts.

I’ll summarize because porn on fast-forward is funny: Women now make as much money as men (so much for that proven 77-cents-to-the-man’s-dollar statistic) yet they are still “unhappy;” therefore, money doesn’t make women happy and wanting unbiased treatment makes them miserable.

But the climax is what makes Asshat Kanazawa a world-class wanker:

It is true that, in all human societies, men largely control all the money, politics, and prestige.  They do, because they have to, in order to impress women.  Women don’t control these resources, because they don’t have to.  What do women control?  Men.  As I mention in an earlier post, any reasonably attractive young woman exercises as much power over men as the male ruler of the world does over women.

Can’t you just see him, panting away: “….money ….politics ….p-p-prestige …reasonably attractive young women!…….AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

Ten bucks says he’s wearing a harness, too.

Technorati Tags: feminism is evil, asshats, gynophobia, fundamentalism, pseudoscience

Don’t we just love it when men talk about abortion as if they can have one?

As if they know what it’s like to be pregnant? Like when they compare all women considering abortion to the mentally ill woman in France who, after giving birth, murdered her infants by burning and smothering them?  Doesn’t the sheer brilliance and insight of that argument make us want to give up the right to decide what happens to our own bodies?

Technorati Tags: William “Asshat” Saletan, Slate Magazine

Really, Ms. Wurtzel. At your age?

I started my day by reading this article in Elle by Elizabeth Wurtzel about the most recent tragedy that has befallen her: aging.  It’s 2:19 pm and I am still annoyed so I’d better get it out of my system.

First let me say it’s not like I can’t empathize with the initial weirdness of crossing the infamous 40-something threshold.  After all, we women spend the first 39 years of our lives hearing the ominous “it’s all downhill from there,” so when we get “there,” is it any wonder that subconsciously we expect to find ourselves in a empty valley, mooing and chewing on grass.

Then we realize that we’ve been sold a line of bunk and we get on with our lives.  Unless, of course, up til then we have made a career out of whining about our rotten lives.

In that case, we write four-page sob stories about how physically beautiful yet fucked up we were in our 20’s, and how now that we’re actually more beautiful on the inside, our outsides are cruelly abandoning us.

It’s a long article and there are some real gems in it that showcase Wurtzel’s apparent belief that there’s no silver lining that can’t be tarnished up good if you really want to, like this:

There seem to be more men coming around these days, and they keep getting younger as I get older—I’m an interesting, mature woman to a man in his twenties, while to a guy my age, I’m just jaded—but I think they are falling in love with a person I used to be, with a girl in a picture, with an idea or an image, not with who or what I am now. Because with every passing second, I feel I am less physically desirable, even though I’m finally, in fact, a desirable person. It makes no sense, it’s not fair, and it sucks.

She’s a desirable person now, yet somehow all these men just love an “idea” of her? Boo hoo.

“Now that I am a woman whom some man might actually like to be with, might actually not want to punch in the face—or, at least, now that I don’t like guys who want to do that to me—I am sadly 41. I am past my perfect years.”

I had to read that, like, five times to believe she said it.  That’s got to be one of the most shallow and ignorant statements I’ve ever read.

Oh, no, wait. THIS is the most shallow and ignorant statement I’ve ever read:

[But] eventually, at some somber and sobering calendar date, most of us lose our looks and likewise one of our charms—and I will lose mine. At which time, for me at least, there won’t be much point to life anymore at all.

Please, please, please, Wurtzel - when that day comes, do us all a favor and take the pills because I do not want to read any more whining from you. Ever.

I know aging gracefully is a lot to ask of you. You’ve made name for yourself by yapping about your crazy-sexy substance-abused youth; you’ve got a hard act to follow there.  But please, get over yourself and shut up before you manage to squeeze every last drop of dignity from your oh-so-edgy life.

GMAFB.

Technorati Tags: Elizabeth Wurtzel, aging, asshats

The banality of sadism

It was recently announced that Plan B will soon be available to 17 year old girls without a prescription…

And surprise! the misogynists of the country have been spewing the usual crap about it ever since, which boils down to: “Now our womens ain’t gonna be nothin’ but a bunch of sluts!” whilst the usual double-standard stage-whispers from between the lines: “Condoms should be available for free to 17 year old boys because, well, boys will be boys, you know? But girls will be virgins, dammit!”

So the articles are pretty much run-of-the-mill, yawn-inducing claptrap… except the one by CNN commentator Mike Asshat Galanos. His seriously creeps me out.

Oh, most of Asshat’s comments are the usual asshattery, ranging from the simply duhduhdumb…

Timing is essential to the drug’s effectiveness, Plan B supporters say, so getting parents and doctors involved would unnecessarily delay the teen’s ability to pop the pill the “morning after.” Does it really take that long to get a prescription?

[Uh, yes, it can, especially when some pharmacists are refusing to dispense it.]

…to the willfully ignorant:

Think of a 17-year-old girl. Most of the time she’s a high school senior, still living at home with Mom and Dad. She still needs her parents in the tough times. But they will be cut out of a traumatic situation.

[I know you might find this hard to believe, Asshat, but choosing to prevent a pregnancy is often not traumatic for women! And when trauma is involved, such as in the case of rape, I’m pretty sure most women think that bearing the child of their rapist would be A HELL OF A LOT MORE TRAUMATIC than taking two pills.]

But these comments just rouse a kind of good-natured “what an idiot” reaction. This is the comment that actually creeps me out:

We are making it available to high school girls. We’re enabling teenagers to act carelessly with an easy way out. […] With Plan B, they can do it now and deal with it later.¹

A chill went up my spine when I read that, and not for the reasons Asshat was hoping.

Lets not for a minute assume Asshat’s use of the word “teenagers” includes boys. The article never once discusses the male’s role in the need for Plan B. This missive is clearly about high school girls.

So essentially Asshat is saying, “We cannot allow girls to get away with sluttish behavior. If she has sex and gets pregnant, she deserves all the life-destroying consequences she gets. We as a society need to enforce that.”

Asshat. Listen. You need to look at your desire to ensure that women suffer when they do not conform to your own ideas of morality. Don’t take the easy way out - don’t put the mask of Concerned Elder on your head and stick it in the sands of righteousness.  Deal with your sadistic misogyny now.

Technorati Tags: slut-shaming, Mike Galanos, sadism, Plan B, birth control, morning after pill

1. Ignoring for now the fact that this statement completely contradicts his earlier argument, as “trauma” is rarely premeditated. [↩]

Well, it goes against MY conscience to fund illegal wars, but I pay my fucking taxes.

Remember the “conscientious objection” card the anti-choice pharmacists play so they don’t have to give out Plan B?

I guess it was only a matter of time before the hetero-bigots got into that game. A proposed policy in Iowa would “protect” the rights of those judges who don’t want to perform marriage ceremonies for same-sex couples. Says the Alliance Defense Fund:

Forcing [judges] to participate in offensive acts contrary to their deeply held beliefs in order to remain employed is unconstitutional.”

Words cannot express how utterly, horrendously, and irredeemably hypocritical I find religious conservatives.

Sure, they want to protect your “foundational rights and liberties” such as “the right of conscience” - but only if your conscience whispers the same bigotry as theirs.

These idiots who are “defending their right” to live the way they want are the same control-freaks who have fought tooth and nail to keep that same right out of the reach of gays and lesbians.

Jiminy bloody Cricket, won’t they ever just STFU.

Technorati Tags: bigotry, hypocrisy, gay marriage

Pigs may fly out of my ass

…because I am going to do something I never thought I’d do: publicly stick up for Woody Allen.

Gawd, it’s hard to write that. And yet, here it is.

Woody recently sued American Apparel for using his image in a billboard ad without his permission, and apparently, the snarky idiots at American Apparel think that’s wrong.

“Woody Allen expects $10 million for use of his image on billboards that were up and down in less than one week. I think Woody Allen overestimates the value of his image,” Slotnick said.

What kind of asshats do not understand the concept of copy-fucking-right?

I will tell you what kind: arrogant LA fucktards with entitlement issues the size of their sleazy billboards.

“I mean, like, look at all the 13 year olds putting pictures of Twilight stars up on their Myspace account. Where’s that lawsuit, huh? Huh?!  It’s just fine to copy any image you want and put it any where you want, and if you don’t like it, you’re just a lozer, dude.”

Good Christ on a pogo stick.

Technorati Tags: American Apparel, Woody Allen, copyright

Damned if ya do, damned if ya don’t

Some people think Obama being on the cover of Ms. Magazine is elitist and exploitive and that it mocks those who supported Hillary.

Some people need a nap.

Feminism is about education and enlightenment, yes? Ideally, everyone regardless of race, gender, socioeconomic standing, yadda yadda, would understand and espouse this radical notion that women are people, because feminism is nothing if not far-reaching and egalitarian. And it would be super-great if those enlightened happened to be powerful, too, like heads of state, because they send a powerful message to the whole world — and they can get. shit. done. Right?

Right!…. Except, apparently, when it’s a man who happened to run against a woman and win. Then it is just an elitist, exploitive mockery.

Sometimes you just can’t win for losing. Oy.

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, politics, feminism, asshats

The potshot heard round the world

Click the image to view the site, which was created - t-shirts and all - within 12 hours of McLame’s gaff. Gotta love teh intarwebs.

Technorati Tags: that one, Barack Obama, John McCain, asshats

Whoever smelt it, delt it

According to the author of this article in Time Magazine, women don’t just disagree with Palin’s nomination, we “hate” and “loathe” her, and it’s not because of her politics.

Our aversion to Palin as VP is not due to her lack of experience.  It’s not because she’s anti-choice and pro-gun.  Nothing to do with her evangelical creationism,  homophobia, enthusiasm for banning books, or terrible environmental record.

No, Belinda Luscombe says our “hatred” for Palin ain’t about nuthin’ intellektual like that. It’s because Palin is “too pretty,” “too confident,” and “might embarass us” if people think she got the job because she’s a woman. ¹

In other words, we’re just a bunch of jealous, catty bitches who never grew up.

There is nothing like a woman running for a high-profile public office to expose just how little credit people give women. And how lazy thinking is very much alive and well in this country.  And how such thinking masquerades as journalism and has no problem getting published, and thus legitimized, in major media.

In this article, Luscombe epitomizes the very stereotype she’s blathering about,² but she’s obviously too dumb to see her own hypocrisy.

To wit: What could be stupider than to go on a rant about how women are so unsupportive of other women (implying, of course, that you, the ranter, are a pillar unto them), and then make this kind of statement:

The fact of the matter is, once a female decides it’s over with another female, it’s like an end-stage marriage. No matter how seemingly benign, every attribute becomes an affront: the hair, the voice, the husband, the moose-shooting, the glasses, the big family, the making rape victims pay for their own rape test kits. [emphasis mine]

Drips with woman-love, doesn’t it?

Dumb as a post, I tell you.

Technorati Tags: Sarah Palin, asshats, faux journalism

1. Kevin adds, “I’m surprised she didn’t add ‘and she has bigger tits than me’ to that list.” Word. [↩]
2. Just like all the women who say proudly that they “have more guy friends than women friends because they never identified with those mean and catty women,” which of course is itself an inherently mean and catty statement. [↩]