Such a spot-on and well-written piece by CaptainAwkward about “the art of No” that I must plug it, even though it’s brought back some unsavory memories. Who among us has not ended up saying “yes” or “maybe”, when we really wanted to say “hell no”, because we were afraid?
Women are socialized to make men feel good. We’re socialized to “let you down easy.” We’re not socialized to say a clear and direct “no.” We’re socialized to speak in hints and boost egos and let people save face. People who don’t respect the social contract (rapists, predators, assholes, pickup artists) are good at taking advantage of this.
The classic shoulda-said-what-you-really-meant use case ends in physical violence. But we aren’t always afraid of being a victim. We often fear being a perpetrator, of “hurting their feelings” — which, if you dig deeper, means we believe that if we don’t want the same thing they want, then we must be “bad.”
As a twenty-something, I didn’t just say yes to a date, I said yes to a 9-month relationship that I already knew was the last thing I wanted. Why’d I do it? Because I felt guilty. We had both been happy being “friends with benefits” for at least a year, but for various reasons, he suddenly decided he wanted us to be monogamous. I felt like refusal would “hurt” him, and that I would be revealing myself as a heartless tease. How fucked up is that?
“No” is something we have to learn. “No” is something we have to earn. In fact, I’d argue that the ability to just say “no” to something, without further comment, apology, explanation, guilt, or thinking about it is one of the great rites of passage in growing up, and when you start saying it and saying it regularly the world often pushes back. And calls you names.
If I had a dime for every guy who’s called me a bitch because I didn’t smile at him on the street, my net wealth would rival J.K. Rowling’s.
Anyway, read the post. Actually, subscribe to the blog, it’s great.
