People First

On my lunch break today, I found this plastic dogtag on a counter in the company cafeteria:

I know it’s a cheesy Suze Orman gimmick, but there are worse sentiments to carry around with you. I took a cell photo of it and then brought it to the building Security.

“Hi,” I said to the guard behind the desk. “Do you have a lost and found?”

He said nothing but held out his hand. I put the dogtag in it.

“I found this in the –”

“‘People first then money then things,’” read the security guard, frowning. “What’s that?”

“It’s someone’s –”

“We can keep here for twenty-four hours,” he said, “but if no one comes to claim it, it will go to the main office.” He kept reading the tag as if the catchphrase were a terrorist message in code.

“OK. I just thought someone might–”

He tossed the tag into a drawer. “That’s a really weird thing to have on a keychain.”

Technorati Tags: found objects

Goodbye sun, hello…hail?

Got back today from our trip to Kaua’i. Were feeling pretty smug when we heard it snowed in Seattle whilst we were enjoying this…

Alas, pride goeth before a fall. Of freaking hail.

Details on our last couple days in paradise forthcoming… as soon as I recover from the red-eye flight and the shock of 33-degree weather in April.

I need another mai tai.

Technorati Tags: weird weather

Aloha

Two airline tickets from Seattle to Hawaii: $1,300.00

Two-bedroom, two-bath, ocean-front condo rental:$1,700.00

Nine days of sun, sand, surf, and sleep: Fecking priceless.

Photo: The beach in front of our condo in Kapa’a, Kauai. Taken with my cell phone about 7:30 this morning.

Today we tour Kauai by helicopter.

Muhalo, Hawaii!

Technorati Tags: Kauai, Hawaii, vacation

Shooting up down there

Ah, the blogosphere. It has made obsolete the reliance on word-of-mouth, and the even archaically slow print media, for important information like celebrity gossip. It allows us to read, practically in real time, about the most intimate experiences of rich famous people we don’t know.

And I, for one, am thrilled. Ten years ago, it would have taken me days, if not weeks, to hear that Margaret Cho got a “G-shot.” And even longer, probably, to figure out what the hell a “G-shot” is.

Thanks to the internet, I did not have find out the humiliating (and decidedly less hygenic) way by asking for it at the nearest trendy bar.

“G-shot” is a trademark name for “G-spot Amplification.” Which is a gentrified way of saying: getting a shot of collagen in a particular part of the vagina that very possibly does not exist.

Making your inner vajayjay look like Angelina’s lips supposed to enhance your sexual pleasure. Well, I’m all for enhancing sexual pleasure…except when it involves sticking needles into my hoohahical region in order to inject synthetic material into it. That just seems, well, counter-intuitive.

According to the G-shot inventor’s website, the list of complications associated with the procedure includes “a sensation of always being sexually aroused.”

That’s a complication?

Alas, the inventors admit, the risks also include, but aren’t limited to (I just copied the best ones) the slightly less arousing side effects listed below.

I notice the primary effect experienced by Ms. Cho did not make this list. Shame on those chicken-shitted physicians!

“We admit that this procedure can result in infection, vesico-vaginal fistula, and embolism… but, dammit, not donut pussy!”

Risks and Complications of the “G-spot amplification”:

Infections
Urinary retentions
Allergic reactions
Hematoma (collection of blood)
Collagen site ulceration
Urethral injury (tube you urinate through)
Hematuria (blood in urine)
UTI (Urinary Tract Infection)
Urinary Urgency (feel like you always have to urinate)
Urethral vaginal fistula (hole between urethra and vagina)
Vesico-vaginal fistula (hole between bladder and vagina)
Dyspareunia (Painful intersourse)
Need for subsequent surgery
Scar formation (vaginal)
Urethral stricture (abnormal narrowing of the urethra)
Local tissue infarction and necrosis
Overactive Bladder (OAB)
Exposed Material
Pelvic Pains
Collagen injected into the bladder or urethra
Erosion
Damage to nearby organs including bladder, urethra and ureters
Intractable pain
Alteration of the female sexual response cycle
Psychological alterations
Relationship problems
Decreased sexual function
Possible hospitalization for treatment of complications
Lidocaine toxicity
Embolism
Nerve damage
Permanent numbness
Sexual dysfunction
Collagen migration

By the way, ladies, did you know you have a fornix? I didn’t until I found the anatomy drawing posted above. Learn something every day.

Technorati Tags: g-spot, g-shot

If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs

Excuse me a moment while I wipe up the coffee I spit all over my computer when I read this article this morning.

“Closure” won this year’s “oddest book title” competition in the UK, beating out the insightful “Are Women Human? And Other International Dialogues.”

Past winners have been just as spit-worthy:

“Joy of Chickens” took the 1980 title, with “The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling” in 1983, “Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual” in 1990, “Living with Crazy Buttocks” in 2002 and “Bombproof Your Horse” in 2004 are but a sample.

And don’t forget the original 1978 winner “”Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice.”

Chickens, mice, horses, lesbian sadomasochists… what kinda country they got across the pond, anyway?

Technorati Tags: books, oddest book title

i can haz cleen undees now?

A friend of mine sent me the link to Jezebel’s latest LOLVogue with a note saying, “May you pee your pants laughing before you are overcome with disgust at the Vogue fashion editors.”

LOL jezbel ur so funni ok bai

Technorati Tags: fashion, modeling, Vogue, anorexia, gynophobia

Wrong kind of connection

Our internet connection disappeared on Friday night for no apparent reason. All is well on our end - modem able to connect, etc. - so it’s something on Earthlink’s end.

I hate it when the computer or internet breaks. I know enough to fix common problems but nothing that requires more than rebooting. I particularly hate it when a problem is so complicated you need to talk to “support” on the phone. They can’t see my computer or connection set up, and I can’t describe it. It’s so blind-leading-the-blind.

Alas, Mr. Fixer was gone most of this weekend and I need the internet for work, so I thought I’d give it a try.

I called the 800 number that Earthlink lists for diagnostic help. It rang once and a woman’s recorded voice said very loudly and very quickly: “HI! It’s time to call 1-800-871-TALK!! YES, it’s time to call 1-800-371-TALK! CALL NOW!!”

OK, I thought, as the line went dead. Maybe Earthlink recently changed their support number and that’s a referral message. Course, it’s kind of weird for Earthlink to have a hyperactive woman yelling the referral message, but whatever. Kids these days.

So I called the TALK! number. It rang twice and the same woman’s voice hollered in my ear:

“HELLO! Thanks for calling TALK! MILLIONS of guys know it’s the BEST place to meet willing WOMEN! Now you can meet hot, HORNY housewives and COLLEGE GIRLS and —”

Which is where I hung up. I’m pretty sure I misdialed the first number, unless some disgruntled employee thinks the best revenge is to make Earthlink’s customers go deaf.

“People are more fun than anybody.”

- Dorothy Parker

Elliot Bay Books has a great used section, and today I got an unexpected, totally cool gift-with-purchase. Continue reading »

Same Bat time, same Bat Pussy

This is from Bat Pussy, an honest-to-god porn film from 1973.¹

I truly hope I never encounter an attempted rapist in action, but if I do, I will beat him to within an inch of his life with my Hippity Hop.

Technorati Tags: vintage pornography, hilarity

1. The non-sex parts because, of course, YouTube wants to stay in business. [↩]

Domestic Bliss

Technorati Tags: Flight Of The Conchords